The worst thing you can do is provoke someone when you’ve recognized that they’re not being honest with you. Saying things like, “Look what you’ve done!” or, “Look how you’ve hurt me!” won’t be helpful. Yes, you’re in pain, but don’t throw it in your spouse’s face or try to hurt them back (even if you want to). If your spouse is lying to protect his or her ego, talk to him or her about your perspectives, your experiences, and your feelings surrounding the lie. How can you confront this in a way that will be productive? There are a few different ways of dealing with dishonesty, depending on what the root of it is. There’s no way around the painful conversation that comes next you have to be able to put this on the table with your spouse, one way or another. Now that you’re dealing with deception in your marriage, you’re going to think that whatever your spouse has lied to you about is global. Clinically, we refer to these people as sociopaths or psychopaths–in other words, people lacking the normal sense of guilt that most others feel when engaging in activities that are morally wrong and hurtful to others. When someone is actively deceptive on a large scale, is deliberately deceiving you and hurting you and others, they have holes in their conscience. Maybe they aren’t honoring your relationship through chronic or repetitive infidelity. But by the same token, they have to be willing to start to come clean, because regardless of the reasons for their dishonesty, lying is a toxic practice that will eventually break down your marriage.Īnother kind of dishonesty is when your spouse is actively trying to deceive you by doing things you wouldn’t choose for them to do–things that are destructive to them, to your relationship, or even to other people. They’re not liars across the board–this is not an issue of global dishonest or global distrust. In cases like these, this isn’t so much a character issue as it is a maturity issue. When this is the case, it can be easy for them to convince themselves that they’re not really lying. They’re ashamed of what they’re trying to cover up, they are afraid of the consequences, and they don’t want to have to live with your disappointment in them. People often lie not necessarily to deceive, but to protect their own ego. They promised to get something done, but didn’t…even though they meant to. They promised to change a pattern, and they haven’t They have already disappointed you, and they’re afraid of your reaction Maybe they’re not fully coming clean because: There are many reasons your spouse may be dishonest with you. How can you rebuild trust when your spouse has lied to you? Reasons Spouses Lie And when that someone happens to be your spouse, the sense of betrayal is even more profound. When you’ve caught someone in lies, it’s natural to doubt almost everything they say.
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